The last time I posted anything on my blog it was a review of a holiday, or at least a recap of the night of that shitty (ha) holiday, so what better to bring me out of my blogging hibernation then an egregiously under celebrated holiday like St. Patricks day! Today if you don't know or haven't guessed, is that day. A day devoted to celebrating the life and accomplishments of Saint Patrick . . . whom I know nothing about other than the obvious fact that he's a saint and he his name serves as the monicker of a badass holiday. St. Patricks Day though, for me, is the most disappointing of all b-list holidays. No one takes it seriously and it saddens me way deep down all over my loins. Just way, way deep in there. Probably the biggest travesty of the entire day though is that most people don't even realize its St. Patricks Day until its much too late, which in turn results in some jackass chasing them down trying to pinch them. Not me, I don't like being chased. I wear green the entire month of March. Not necessarily in honor of St. Patrick, although I suppose that is welcome collateral, but most definitely because getting pinched trails only getting hit in the balls and moving Priuses as things that I try and avoid. Every year though my disappointment in the complete lack of enthusiasm for the holiday raises the same question time and time again; why don't people celebrate saint patty's day with the same intensity and ferocity that I do? I mean, people take Easter more seriously for Christ's sake! The only explanation I can think of is that most people are either unsure or unaware of how exactly to celebrate. This ignorance needs to be alleviated immediately! And so I have developed a St. Patricks Day guide. Enjoy, but take notes.
1) What has preceded every productive day in the history of mankind? A good nights sleep? Forget that sleep shit, it's a fuckin delicious breakfast of course! So if you want to even have a shot at having any semblance of fun on your SPD you better start off with a traditional Irish breakfast
.
Just like mum used to make it :)
2) Wear green, preferably something with shamrocks on it. Preferably socks like mine.
Instant second base
3) Avoid Filipinos. Irish hate Filipinos.
filipino alternative to anestesia
4) Do stuff that involve things that are green. Like standing in grass, driving through green lights, doing dishes with palmolive dish soap, etc. etc. Or if by chance you followed rule 1 you've been planning a green activity all along!
5) Hang out with redheads. But not for too long . . . safety first. Jk SC ;)
6) Play traditional Irish games. Selection includes hurling, darts, fighting, bar fighting, drinking, and riverdancing!
Getting hit in the nuts: slightly worse than being pinched, but always less terrifying than a moving Prius
7) Tell Irish jokes. My personal favorite, "So two Irish guys walk out of a bar." Hilarious!
8) Listen to traditional Irish music.
9) FInally and undoubtably most importantly, the real spirit of Saint Patrick is to always be celebrated with an abundance of alcohol. You might be tempted to celebrate with something unsophisticated and lousy like Guinness or Jamison but real Irishmen and women celebrate with a real traditional Irish brew. Mickey's 40's.
Classy as fuck *(made in america)*
Happy St. Patricks Day everyone!
weep for yourself, my man
-Brian
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