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Posted by Magikarp On 10:10 AM 0 comments
Woahhh, so it's been awhile since I've posted anything, sorry about that.  Actually, I'm not a fan of handing out all encompassing apologies, so really I'm only sorry if you care enough to be upset or offended by the infrequency of my blog posts, and if you're not upset or offended, start caring more about my blog you dick.  I'm trying to think of something to blame my absence on but nothing really comes to mind, so I suppose I'll do what seems to be the responsible thing and put the blame on Akon.  He said to put the blame on him I'm pretty sure.  Anyways, since my last post, quite a few unusual things have happened, but I suppose the most unusual of all of these things was my first week of community college :)

During the normal school year, for the fall and spring terms, I go to a small, non-denominational, liberal arts, private college.  This as you might imagine, appeals to a somewhat specific type of crowd, and I may not have known or realized it before, but the demographic at my college is shockingly homologous, well, at least comparatively so.  This of course is nascent only in recent retrospect from my first few class periods at the CC I'm attending where the demographic is diverse to the point where majorities become nonexistent, everyone seemingly becomes a minority in and of themselves, and the correlation coefficient approaches zero (ps. stats=fake math).  But to be completely honest with you, it's fucking awesome.  Who doesn't want to go to a class where kids bring their kids?  I mean, I love it when the girl sitting next to me breast feeds her wailing baby while I'm trying to define a limit.  It really just gets the gray matter flowing.  Alright, that actually didn't happen, she wasn't breast feeding, but her kid was their . . . on a leash.  This though is true: there is a guy in my class who wears a camo hat, pants, jacket, and boots at the same time.  I just want to look him straight in the face and tell him "I can still see you, rambo," but with me being brown and him probably being a racist, I decided to keep my mouth shut and avoid having to put out a burning cross in my front lawn.  Also, this same guy has a mustache that would make Rollie Fingers do fucking cartwheel. 

Other notables: guy that thinks it's socially acceptable to fart in class, Asian kid who's name is Du Way but prefers to be called Xavier, kid that plays Pokemon on his gameboy (oh shit that's me!), and of course the huge fat guy who wears those gigantic goth pants with all the chains and shit on them and facepaint.  In a cast full of characters however, the show is stolen by the professor herself.  I would bet my entire net worth ($395.77) plus my secret savings buried in the park by my old house ($1.89) on her having more conversations with cats than actual human beings.  She is just so . . . ? I think someone needs to invent a new adjective to describe this women.  

It's not all weirdos though.  Actually a lot of people are in a similar situation to my own, just wanting to transfer credits and take some cheap classes during the summer to lighten their course loads in the spring and fall.  Further, I've discovered that in deliberating on a persons weirdness, you can really only compare them to yourself, and who's to say that I'm normal?  Somehow I don't think I am.  Really though, I do love what community college does offer; a chance for everyone to get an education by not pricing people out with outrageous tuition costs and not disqualifying them through rigorous entrance requirements.  It really is very altruistic.  A summer term though I must say, may be all I can handle.

I would assume now that you are just dying to know what other strange things are happening in my life.  Well I've decided to employ a little strategy here and not use all my kick ass stories in one post.  It's sort of like when old people give you money and say, "don't spend it all in one place," and you throw it on the ground and spit and stomp on it because they probably only gave you a nickel or a quarter at the most because they are wrinkly and senile and have no perception whatsoever of inflation and really only know specifics from the Ed Sullivan show since that's the only TV program they can watch without falling asleep after taking their metemusal . . . I've completely forgot what I'm talking about.  I'm done writing. 

It's never sunny in Portland,
-Brian
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GTA

Posted by Magikarp On 2:46 PM 0 comments
After a fantastic and surprisingly tipsy evening at my friend John's house party, I woke up on the couch thinking, "Shit, my neck hurts!/what on God's green earth was so funny last night?"  I certainly was not thinking, "fuck, I sure hope somebody didn't break into my car!"  Apparently my spidey senses were malfunctioning.  After a little more rest and the longest piss ever, I was putting some empty bottles and cans into the trunk of my car when I noticed that my backpack was missing.  Thinking it was probably in the passenger seat I got into my car and found that everything was torn up!  The glove box opened and emptied, same with the center console, and all the shit in my back seat.  All in all, they took my backpack that had my calculator, my text books, and my spare toothbrush along with my pride and joy giant blazers poster and my moms computer.  As you might imagine, I was pissed, and my first thought I semi-shamefully admit went something like this . . . 
To whoever broke into my car:  I hope you come down with the most horribly painful form of dick cancer ever known to mankind. Further, I hope that after many years of fighting the disease you overcome it only to get trampled by horses directly after receiving a phone call from your mother telling you that your entire family hates you for sucking them dry financially with all your medical bills. Then you get AIDS, not HIV, full blown AIDS.
I decided though that that might be a little too much so I chose instead to hope this . . . 
To whoever broke into my car:  I hope you use my backpack, my calculator, my calc and immunology books, my spare toothbrush and my moms computer to learn, educate, and better yourself in hopes of breaking your cycle of petty crime.
That though is way too sappy and optimistic for me so in the end, I decided to to meet in the middle and wish this upon the car burglar . . .
To whoever broke into my car:  I'd like to preface simply by saying, Fuck you.  I hope someone else steals all the stuff that you stole from me and then uses it all to spark an interest in math and science that eventually propels them toward medicine where they discover a cure for the most horribly painful form of dick cancer ever known to mankind that you have in fact developed in the later years of your life.  He cures you and you live an average, moderately happy life even though you had to have your penis amputated.
Seriously though, who sees a shitty red '96 Pontiac Grand Am and thinks, "I bet that kid has some good shit in there!" 
 Clearly I'm just rollin in the money.

Are you here with me?
-Brian
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Ebony and Ivory. Apparently it's a Filipino thing . . .

Posted by Magikarp On 12:06 PM 0 comments
Normally, as writing on my blog has gone in the past, I try and avoid writing anything that is too, perhaps, important.  I prefer to stay with topics that are much lighter on the pallet and don't weigh as heavily on the conscious.  I suppose this is partly because of how difficult it is to translate certain emotions into words, but mostly, I assume, because looking too deeply into anything, to acutely analyze it to any particular degree of specificity, makes me strangely uncomfortable.  This weekend though, a series of events with no one in particular carrying more influence over the others, collectively made me realize that my life is fucking wonderful.  

My younger brother graduated from high school this past weekend and that to me is almost beyond my comprehension.  To think about him as a freshman when he first came to LaSalle my junior year and then to see him walk across that stage, graduating four years later is one of the strangest things I've seen a long, long time.  I just find it so peculiar how everyone around me is either growing up or growing old!  Case in point, my brother and my parents.  The thought that time has been progressing at the same pace my entire life and yet feels like it's flying by faster than ever is truly mind boggling.  It's like everything and everyone around me is changing quicker than I can adapt and that is nothing if not exciting.  That being so, I'll just say that I am so proud of everything my brother has accomplished in high school and am excited and hopeful as to the great things he'll achieve in college. 

Some things though never change, and I love it.  My brothers grad party was also this weekend so naturally all my family from around Portland came but more so to my surprise, my family from Sacramento and Los Angeles flew in for the commencement and the after party as well.  It was so great to see everyone and catch up after so long.  Also, I think it's safe to say that I still have a boner from all the delicious food!  Oh, and I'd also like to note that my Grandpa Howard is in every sense, the quint essential man.  He's sort of a mix between a badass military vet fighter pilot, a cowboy, a super good arm wrestler, a part time comedian, a nonchalant lades man, and the dos equis guy.  He could probably still kick my ass.  My friends also came down, the regulars but also some who I haven't seen in forever.  It was good to see them all of course, but in seeing everyone, I realized that regardless of how long it has been, the strength of those friendships has not wavered in the least in the years since high school, and because of that, I am convinced that I have the best friends in the world.  Further, on Sunday night, my good friend James threw a bbq/house party that did nothing but strengthen and reinforce that belief.  It's also becoming strikingly apparent to me that the further you get from high school, the better your relationship with kids you were "sort of friends with" becomes.  It's awesome!

Becoming a parent, I've decided, is one of the most selfless and completely altruistic things a person can ever do.  My parents live for me and my brother.  Anyways, as long as my parents are paying for it, I've decided I should probably go to more classes.

Well, I'm tired of writing so I'm just going to expedite this whole process and give you the reasons for my life high in an alphabetical list.  Actually forget alphabetizing, random order is easier.

-My car, while it is a piece of shit, is slightly less shitty with new tires and a new windshield
-I don't have classes right now
-I don't have any warrants for my arrest
-The sun was out today 
-Henry Weinhards Belgian Style Wheat is delicious
-My ex-girlfriend and I are friends again
-Pre ordered my new iPhone
-Got a free text book for my summer course
-Full gas tank
-I'm healthy . . . still no health insurance though so i'm keeping my fingers crossed!
-Hoopin like a fiend
-My baby cousin Danielle cracks me up
-I love my piano
-I've learned to love what I'm studying
-I'm studying
-Paranormal Activity is stupid, not scary
-This picture is super funny

. . . albeit kind of redundant

Sorry if this post didn't really make much sense, mostly I guess I just wanted to say that I am happier with my life right now than I've been in a long while.  I love all of my friends and all of my family and am so thankful for everything.  My life is remarkable because of you guys!

Focus on floating, your focus is tight
-Brian
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A Leopard Can't Change His Spots

Posted by Magikarp On 11:43 AM 0 comments
So last night, once I got home after a lovely get together put on by my old friend Eric, I was stumbling across the internet with my science filter on (yeah I know, I'm a nerd but I'm also bio major with a chem minor so it's justified!) I found this on National Geographic . . .

A NEW SPECIES OF LEOPARD! Are you kidding me?! Here's the link if you wanted to read more:

Now discovering a new species of leopard is absolutely fantastic, I imagine nobody would argue against that, but one thing I've discovered in recent months is that science cannot operate in a vacuum, reclusive and isolated from society. That is to say, that sometimes, even if the science is unquestionably sound, the math is perfectly correct, and the numbers and theories add up and make sense, the science in itself is not right because the world isn’t ready for it be. I wrote a paper a while back on genetic engineering and how our society, one staked so deeply in vanity, greed, and oneupmanship would not be ready for such a huge development in science and medical technology because of our tendencies for discrimination, the likelihood to further perpetuate the divide between the poor and wealthy, and our proclivity for advancement at all costs that may prove with devastating and irreversible consequences that as human beings, our reach can often exceed our grasp (splice anyone?). I understand though that something should always be said about being overly conservative and accepting the status quo simply because it is the status quo. If we are not challenging it, then we are not advancing and we become stagnant as a society. Something should also be said, however, about restraint. Radically challenging the status quo without precaution can have sweeping and lasting consequences that are difficult to predict and even harder to prepare for . . . so what the hell does this all have to do with a leopard? All science, even zoology, cannot exist and advance at pace all its own, laissez faire and free of society and it's rules, free of any and all of the resulting social ramifications and consequences that certainly may arise from announcing something like the discovery of a new species of leopard. This, after all, is what this post is about. Ever since the new leopard came out I've been having trouble sleeping at night knowing that my fuckin house key is now outdated!
(yeah, thats a five sided rubix cube. one side done!)

I HATE having the older version of things! I want the new leopard print key, not the shitty original leopard species fur one :[ Damn you science, how dare you progress at a pace that tacky house key designs cannot keep up with! I love you, but sometimes I hate you, and right now is sometimes, dick.

(get fit-ididid)
-Brian



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Writing on my blog? I must be bored . . .

Posted by Magikarp On 10:39 AM 0 comments
Today is Friday and that is beside the point. Thursday however, is spot on. Yesterday as it was, I was taxiing my mom around Portland since she is foreign, 4'11", alarmingly good at bejeweled, but mostly I suppose because she cannot drive. Anyways, while (whilst?) on our travels, in silence mind you since my mom is adamant that listening to the radio somehow directly equates to an upside down car, in my mind, I was growing increasingly suspicious of the English language, chiefly with the application of certain phrases, idioms, and locutions that maintain meaning notwithstanding countless years of removed context. Not sure what I mean? Well fuck, I guess I can give you some examples. The things I do for you.

  • "I have a bone to pick with you" I am not entirely sure where this came from or even how it made sense at all ever, let alone now, but one thing I know for certain is that this phrase would be immeasurably better if it were more along the lines of, lets say, "I have a boner pic with you." Much better! I mean, could you imagine logging onto facebook and someone tags you in a boner pic? HAAA
(I hope that guy has sunscreen on)
  • "Indian Giver" Racist pricks. How about "White man taker," as in the white man who took everything from the Native Americans and in return gave them shitty land, lifetime fishing licenses, the worst phrase ever, and alcoholism.
(I photoshopped it out, but the librarian then says, "Go play in traffic you little shit.")
  • "That's that. Fuck you" Ummm . . . That's that . . . Fuck you.
  • "Kill two birds with one stone" This, in most cases, is used to to describe situations that involve multi-tasking or just good task management in general, but in reality, this phrase should be synonymous with winning the fucking lottery. I have trouble hitting the ground with a stone, let alone an object, or to a greater degree an animal, and god forbid a flying bird, so if I were to throw a stone that killed two birds, those birds would be the first two things I have ever hit with a stone . . . and then I would shit myself. Seriously though, how lucky would that be?! Anyways, people shouldn't throw rocks. It's dangerous, and in all likelihood they'd probably end up hitting my car like everything else seems to.
(not actually my car. mine is shittier)
  • "Scapegoat" For real? Maybe I'm wrong, but I am assuming that a long time ago somebody screwed up in some way, shape, or form (another phrase boooya!) and the best excuse they had was to blame the goat. The goat? That's worse than the time I blamed the ghost of christmas past for blowing his nose in my sock and then stuffing it in the bottom of the laundry basket like it had been there forever so nobody would notice it but then my mom did notice it and she knew it wasn't the ghost of christmas past and she probably also knew that it wasn't snot. Not smooth to say the least. I guess though that this saying originally came from the Bible or some shit, but that book is old and makes no sense!
(I don't know what is weirder, the crusty cum sock, or the coloring book pages taped to the wall)
  • "It's always in the last place you look." This phrase actually makes perfect sense besides the fact that it's retarded (PI? sorry). Of course it's in the last place you look. Unless you're into continuing to look for stuff you've already found. Everybody has their thing I suppose.
  • "Raining cats and dogs." That would be horrible for controlling the stray population. Bob Barker would be furious. PS the price is right should have retired with Bob. Drew Carey is clown shoes!
  • "You know I thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em cuz I don't fuckin need em" Jay-Z is so much cooler than me.
(Flyyy Errrr)

Those are the only ones I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more but I'm tired of writing so forget it. I will write more soon . . . or delete my blog haha, we'll see.


I bomb atomically!

-Bri Bri slanty eye


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